Lessons Of Anger

I slammed the boot down on the counter and sighed a heavy frustrated sigh, He had, after all, taken his boot and socks off after I had specifically instructed him no to. I scolded him as I told him how disappointed I was that he defied my wishes.

I turned my back on him to grab his other shoe and out of the corner of my eye I see him grab his boot and slam it onto the counter and give a disgruntled angry sigh.

And I realized immediately I had just taught him a full on display of anger.

My toddler was calm, innocent and taking in everything happening around him, his eyes wide with wonder over the actions coming out of his mother.

But in those moments, I feel as if I have nothing else to give them other than anger and frustration.

In those early morning when my body cries for sleep

In the wee hours of the night when my body wants rest

In the day when the demands of their little bodies are heightened by fatigue and hunger

In the teachings and instructions

I’m realizing I can’t give something to my children that I don’t have myself- Peace, Love, Grace & Acceptance.

If I don’t know and experience, daily, the infilling of the Holy Spirit ( and the fruits of that) how do I have anything to give my children?

If I don’t possess love, how can I give it?

If I don’t accept forgiveness how can I give it?

And If I can’t grasp the depth of the Lords grace and mercy He has extended to me, how can I give grace to my children?

I never got into the “self care” life. Not that I think that it’s wrong or bad, but it just never really settled the right way with me. I’m not in a season of life where luxuries outings are on my regular schedule, or where date nights even happen regularly and I genuinely love and enjoy the season of life that i’m in.

I have learned that motherhood and the actions of my children do not have to threaten my identity but instead provide me with an opportunity to speak into my children lives and reassure them who they are because the same way we look to our Heavenly Father to remember who we are, our children look to us to know who they are.

When they test all the ever loving boundaries of humanity and see how far they can push us, what is our response?

I have for the first time in all my parenting life experienced all the motions that used to trigger me into a fit of frustration and anger and it’s just not there anymore. It’s like that place inside of me that used to be so filled with resentment and bitterness toward my children just simply isn’t filled up with anger anymore and it shocked me the first few times that nothing came out of me when I was triggered. Not because I read the right parenting book, or changed parenting techniques, quite contraire. But because I have abandoned myself to the only one who can tell me who I am and fill me with His spirit.

My children don’t make me angry, they uncover the anger that has been hidden so well, dormant and well controlled. And unless I own up to my anger and deal with it with the Lord, it will guaranteed be transferred into my children.

I have struggled immensely with my feelings toward my children, many of the first few years of motherhood was spent in complete overwhelm, frustration, and resentment to my children and I didn’t enjoy the gift that they are. It all felt so hard. Each addition to the family felt daunting and dreaded instead of treasured and anticipated.

But I realize now that until I accepted Gods love for me as His child first and foremost, I couldn’t give that love to my children. Until we accept and live out the reality of who God says that we are, we cannot impart freedom to those around us whether that be our children, spouses or friends. But I tell you what, when we agree with the Lord to live our lives in the reality of who it is that He says we are, it’s life changing.

I hope these random ramblings bring encouragement to weary hearts and not shame and condemnation. Because sometimes moms just need to be thrown a life line and need to be reminded that they don’t need to read another parenting book or implement xyz and do it all better and harder and more faithfully. Sometimes it’s hard because there’s something wrong. Something wrong with what we believe about God. Because what we believe about God is the most important thing in our life.

-Carrie