Throwing a wrench in the wheels of Self-Sabotage
I think somewhere along the way the mental noise of internal judgment has dominated my inner dialogue and i’ve forgotten that enjoying the journey is a big part of living life.
I’ve obsessed over this blog post, off and on, for the last two years, running through all the logistics of how people might interpret it, analyzing the potential judgement, creating a whole entire world of internal noise that has kept me locked out of my ability to create for a really long time. I still write, but only in my journal where all my writings are safe from the cruelty of other peoples opinions, or maybe just mine?
Today, on a last minute trip to NYC, i found myself stumbling along the marble halls of the NYC Public Library, completely speechless as my eyes followed the indescribable architecture from the bottom to the top where a full ceiling mural took my breath away.
How did we get here? How did we get into a world so obsessed with ourselves and peoples opinions of us that we’ve stopped creating? How have we managed to suppress ourselves to such extremes where we stay stuck and stagnant for years? What if they don’t like it? What if it’s “bad”? What if it’s ugly? What if I actually come to life while creating and what if I actually find a deeper part of who I am in the reflections of the things I create? I think that’s what we fear. Having an expression of our truest selves out in the world for other to potentially scrutinize and sneer at.
Imagine these architects, look at what they created. What if they would have never started? I can only imagine the painter of the mural on the ceiling so engrossed in the process and anticipating the completion of his project. I doubt he wondered what his followers on instagram would think.
So i’m saying this to myself as well as anyone else who might be reading this, we need humanity. We need each other, we need you to express the authentic version of who you really are. In my feeble attempt to practice what I preach, I’m just posting this, no edits, no deleting, just letting it be.
I’ve felt stuck, in a sense, in life the last few years, especially since the birth of my last son. Almost like a recluse, but also like a flower that keeps trying to bloom, but, just doesn’t.
So this is my first attempt, get it out, even if it’s jumbled, even if people hate it, even if I hate it, I need to just throw the wrench in the wheels of my own self-sabotoge. Enough.
We all carry something of importance to give to the world, no matter what it looks like. I think somewhere along the line we just started believing we’re insignificant, unloveable, like the world is better off without the unique fingerprint of who we are on it.
I don’t know how this will all look, i don’t know where i’ll go from here, but i do want to keep writing, because i love it. Somedays I ask myself- what will i write about today? My mom’s cancer diagnosis? Trying to figure out who the heck I am after getting married at 18 and drastically changing what I believe over the last decade? Trying to keep my dignity in tact raising three feral sons? Or just crack a joke and thank my trauma for giving me a good sense of humor that bypasses genuine human authenticity and connection? ahhh, who knows what it’ll be today. I feel like some of the experiences i’ve lived have shaped and changed the way I view life, for so long i’ve felt that it was a dis-service to myself and others, now i’m beginning to see that the experiences i’ve lived through have deepened my ability to view humanity with nuances and compassion. Does it come with it’s own set of complexities? Absolutely. But it also allows me to view people and circumstances from angles I otherwise would not have been able to get to. Being able to see so much of life through a positive light, instead of the dismal dread I lived in for 20+ years is a tremendous gift I don’t take for granted. So who know’s exactly what you’ll get here. Fiction, non-fiction? My inner world of 5 different personalities? Maybe? Short stories? Long memories? Who knows? But I do know i’m excited.
k gotta go before i delete this,
- Carrie
