Cues of Connection
It all came bubbling out at the breakfast table.
Big feelings, insecurities, the inability to look me in the eyes… to connect.
“What’s wrong bud?” I asked
“I don’t know” he heaved out between sobs
I guess the weeks of lack of sleep, running high on frustration, overstimulation and overwhelm was being felt by more than just me.
I thought my children would understand that it’s my world of overwhelm and that they don’t bear the weight and burden of my bad days.
I thought I kept it hidden better behind the eyes not wanting to meet his.
The frequent sighs with head held low each time met with “what’s wrong mommy? Didn’t you sleep good last night?”.
The first question in the morning- “mommy, was Oliver up a-lot last night?” Their little eyes searched my eyes.
They searched me for reassurance that they were safe, they searched my eyes wondering if I would hold them on their hard days or if that would be an additional burden to me.
Every disaster and spill, immediately eyes watching me, what will my reaction be?
“Do you feel like it’s your fault mommy has hard days?”
More tears ensued.
“Do you feel like there’s something wrong with you? That you’re the problem? That you feel it’s your fault mommy has hard days?”
All he could do was nod his head yes and the tears kept pouring out onto my hand, breaking my heart it into a million pieces.
We hugged and we both cried.
I gently reached for his hand that he had been chewing on for the last 10 minutes, squeezed it in mine and told him that there is nothing wrong with him. That he is not the reason I have hard days and that he is doing absolutely nothing wrong.
Immediately he inhaled. Like the kind of inhale that slows the sobs and begins to mend the heart.
How heartbreaking. I paused and my mind began to remember all the cues…
“ mommy will you play video games with me?”
“ mommy what color do YOU want me to color this coloring page?”
“ mommy, are you just tired?”
Cues of connection…
It was a much needed encounter with my son.
And it reminded me again that our children are a mere reflection of us.
The behavior issues - a reflection of a small child riddled with insecurities. And how heartbreaking that we take their behavior and punish them for it when it is really us that needs the correction.
The longer I mother the more I receive the heart of The Father for my children. And how heartbreaking it is that they, often times, receive the brunt of their parents issues.
Jesus didn’t turn away the children that were brought to them, the disciples were sure that He wouldn’t want to take the time to pray for them, so they rebuked the people who were trying to bring them to Him- “But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.”
For such is the kingdom of heaven
What a beautiful gift these children are to us, constantly bringing things to the surface for us to deal with. I needed to stare some things in the face today and not make excuses anymore.
The lack of sleep is hard but not the issue.
The overwhelm is hard but it’s not the issue.
The fussy baby is hard but it’s not the issue.
The issue is that many days I feel alone in it. I hold my baby when he cries, but who holds me? I make sure my baby is safe, but am I safe? Am I the problem?
All the questions I don’t want to ask myself… now being asked by my son.
The best mother we can give our children is the mother we are when we believe who we truly are, when we believe we are safe, loved, protected and cared for.
