A Valentine’s Story…. Part 6
The first few months went by- we had good times and we had really bad times. The good times were mostly wrought on my us trying to compensate for all the heartache though.
I was convinced I married the wrong person and vowed to a life of suffering and misery for both of us. I began to believe God allowed me to make the wrong decision by marrying Josh and now our struggles are just a result of my disobedience.
Anyone who has been through marriage struggles knows how isolating and shameful it can feel.
I’ll never forget the evening we walked into church- about 3 months after we were married on New Years Eve. I was all puffy eyed from crying almost all evening.
I found Joshs sister ( married to my brother), pulled her aside and asked if we could talk in the church nursery.
We closed the door and I just burst into tears. I felt so alone with no one to talk to, I felt so hopeless. We talked for a few minutes, she prayed with me and I was able to collect myself and return to the service.
I made my way to Josh and sat down. We sat with a chair between us and I remember feeling the distance between us was so much greater than just a chairs distance.
The week before this we went on a business trip about 6-7 hrs away from where we lived and we got into one of those shut down conversations and we literally didn’t talk the whole way home. That’s 6 hrs of silence. While driving.
During those first few months and the first year or two we never faught per-say, we never got angry and yelled and had heated arguments. It was just us trying to work through hurt and heart ache till one of us shut down and didn’t talk anymore.
Then it was silence.
I was devastated when we came home from that trip.
He knew I was so shut down emotionally and his intentions were loving, it’s just his delivery was less than ideal. I shut down whenever I felt he wasn’t happy with me or when he told me what to do.
We came home from that trip and Josh said there’s nothing more he can do for me, I have to see myself and change, that’s the only way forward.
He assumed his abandonment would lead me running back to him, but instead it made me feel extremely unsafe and manipulated.
I called my sister ( she lived in MT at the time) crying. My family wasn’t aware of the extent of our marriage struggle so my sister was rather shocked at how bad things had gotten. I called her heaving and sobbing crouched down against the cold cement wall in our basement.
I told her I know I have so many issues and Joshs arguments are all legitimate but I just can’t bring myself to truly let go and be myself around him and bear my feelings to him.
I’ll never forget what she told me- she told me the only way out of this is through this- by surrendering all my ideas and fears to God and giving Josh to him as well.
I had this sick feeling in my stomach and I knew if I were to surrender Josh to God something would happen. I wasn’t sure what it was. But it was like I was standing in the way of God wanting to do something in Joshs heart as well as mine. I was trying so hard to keep it all together. To not let anyone know we were struggling and finally I was gripped with the fact that in order to bring life back into our marriage I had to let go.
I went upstairs after we talked and found Josh sitting, shoulders sunken, on our bed.
He was so confused why I was coming to him crying after we hadn’t talked for 7 hrs straight.
I explained to him that I know that I have to surrender him to The Lord but I’m so scared to. He asked me if I want to pray and say what ever I feel I need to say to God.
He pulled me close and listened while I cried to God telling him how scared I was to let go of Josh and surrender him to God.
I closed my eyes and instantly saw a vision of me - I was cradled in Jesus’ lap, in his hand was the most beautiful stone I have ever seen. It was a pink diamond of sorts and I knew in the vision God was showing me what I am to him, a beautiful diamond, and that if I trusted him and this process God would give me beauty for ashes. I instantly heard Him tell me “ You’ve done the right thing, now rest in me- I’ll do the rest”.
I knew from then on that I wasn’t to interfere with what God was working on in Josh. I felt Gods presence so clearly.
But I knew things would only get worse…
