When We Hold God Accountable

I feel like i’ve been spiritually vomiting for the past year. That there are things that keep coming up and out of me that I didn't;t even realize were there. I always come to this place where I feel I can’t possibly surrender anything more, that everything that I know to surrender is surrendered and given up. That all my control is given up. Then it happens all over again on a new level. This past week was one of those times.

We sat down at the kitchen table together. He took my hand in his. I had a horrible day and was relieved we finally had a chance to talk for the first time in a while. Between the baby that’s up multiple times a night, a toddler that needs our un-dividing attention and two businesses, the times when we can have uninterrupted conversations are glorious. We began talking about life, about the house we put an offer on that got declined that day. This was our fifth offer in the past few months on homes and to say I was devastated would be an understatement.Josh told me he’s just sitting here open palmed before God, allowing him to take away everything he had hoped for and dreamed of. Even if that means closing our businesses and moving away or staying where we currently are.

The past year has been a year of discovery for me. A year of discovering who God really is. Realizing it’s ok to dream, that I’m safe to allow my heart to open again and dream big dreams with God. Man did I ever dream big. I had a list in my mind all the way down to the rippling stream in our back yard. I thought to myself “ God you are so good that You can provide this dream home for me. A place where I can have chickens, a garden, a dog, maybe, just maybe even a cow.” I kept bringing this before God, waiting, anticipating his fulfillment of my desires. I kept waiting for the offers to be accepted, the one night I asked God if he could reveal to me if we were to get the one property we offered on and that night I had a dream that we got it. But in the end we didn’t then.

How do we reconcile things like this?

How do we feel safe enough to bring the most vulnerable places of our hearts to God with open hands, surrender, and faith?

As Josh was talking last night I realized how much I had been holding onto my dreams. Those little girls dreams I have held in my heart quietly for years and years. Telling God I only believe You love me and are good to me if You come through for me in this way.

But am I really willing to give my dreams to God to do with them what He pleases?

I feel surrender has become so romanticized in the Christian life. We think if we just surrender hard enough- then God will give us what it is that we are asking for. That if we really really want something then we need to surrender it so we can for sure get it. That it will be an Abraham moment for us, that the last second we have to spare, God will come through and tell us we actually don’t have to give up what we thought we did.

But sometimes surrender means just that. Letting go. For good.

I don’t know what the future entails for our family. But I know God will come through for us. And last night at the kitchen table I suddenly realized that if I were fully surrendered to God in my life I would be ok if he would take me to the inner city of Lancaster (my friends know that’s one of my biggest fears! lol)

I also know that God doesn't just do the opposite of what we desire because He is mean, but because He truly always has the best in mind for us. Always.

You know what surrender feels like? It feels like death. It feels like a part of you is literally dying. The thought of surrendering my house dreams literally took my breath away and I had to remind myself to breathe. That everything will ok and that If I truly want to live the life with God that exists in the spirit, then I have to let go of the way I feel God should come through for me.

What if we would never hold God accountable for anything in our lives ever again? What would our lives look like? I can tell you what it would feel like. Death. And the most abundant life simultaneously.

I don’t want to paint the picture that we need to walk about in sackcloth and ashes all day and never dream with God. No, he actually desires to dream with us. We affect him. Just the same as a marriage love relationship. Josh doesn’t want to be married to a doormat. Neither does God.

But how would our lives start to look if we take God at his word, give him our biggest dreams and desires, then not hold him accountable for what happens. I haven’t been living my life like this for very long- just taking God at His word. But I can tell you when I have done this- it has been worth it every single time.

So once I again, I tell God my heart, cry, surrender, and leave it be. Trust God. That’s it.

I choose God, nothing else. Not how He makes me feel or what He does for me. But who God is.