First Year Of Motherhood | A Reflection, Part 1
I remember so well the last powerful push that birthed our little Eric into the world. The feelings of pain, relief, fear, and betrayal. Pain from birth as expected as much as I could. Relief, knowing that he was here on our side of earth, healthy. Fear. Mostly of pushing out the placenta, but of having this human lying crying on my chest fully dependent on me and my provisions. And lastly, betrayed. Mostly by my body because I never knew it could provide so much pain during childbirth.
I will never forget the 48 hours following birth. I had anxiety about breast feeding, the AC blowing over him, giving him a pacifier to soon, literally everything! The first month was full of breast feeding challenges that I will never forget as long as I live. But I was determined to push through the pain and Thankfully I was provided with knowledgeable support and was able to continue. Phew, those first few weeks are now joke.
The months after Erics birth were full of deep struggles and a darkness that settled in due to various circumstances that happened. I don’t remember much of Eric from 2-6 months simply because of all the stress and difficult situation we were going through. I’m thankful for all the pictures that I have during that time, if it weren’t for those I wouldn’t remember him. The memories that I do have of him start at around 6 months when he was starting to crawl, before then it’s all a blur.
I remember the beginning of the year, January. I was 6 months post-partum and falling slowly into post-partum depression. I would spend evenings on the couch crying not knowing what was wrong with me. Looking in hind-sight I do believe much of my depression was simply sadness from the intricate things we were facing during that time. But during those fresh post -partum months everything looked overwhelming. There were evenings full of such sorrow and heaviness that I would take Eric in my arms and simply weep. Partly because I was so overwhelmed and partly because I was so thankful to God for sending me my 8 lb 12 oz little boy. Eric in a sense kept me alive during those few hard months. It took a toll on me physically, it took a toll on my poor husband, and I believe also on my new baby. There were nights when the grief that would come out of me came suddenly and forcefully, emerging from me almost like the birth of another child. I was afraid because of all the darkness I felt around me and the strong surges of anxiety that would spike in the evenings. I’m ever grateful for my precious husband who help me and listened, and for a God who continued to show grace and love to me even when I couldn’t give either of them anything in return.
During the worst of my post-partum recovery I went to see a nutritionist because I was aware there were some things that needed addressing in my body nutritionally. He provided me with such wonderful support and answered all of my questions beautifully. He was able to help provide support for my body through nutritional supplements specifically targeting my gut, brain, adrenals, and nervous system. The only way I know best to describe what happened to me after that is emerging from a winter season. I began to feel the snow and ice melt away and I could feel the earth of my heart begin to thaw. I felt like the trees became greener and the air smelled sweater. During that time there was lots of soul searching, praying, crying, and reaching out to friends and mentors. It was not only nutrition, but a wonderful combination of taking care of every-part of my body.
To Be Continued….
