I feel like i’ve been spiritually vomiting for the past year. That there are things that keep coming up and out of me that I didn't;t even realize were there. I always come to this place where I feel I can’t possibly surrender anything more, that everything that I know to surrender is surrendered and given up. That all my control is given up. Then it happens all over again on a new level. This past week was one of those times.

Josh grabbed his pillow and blanket and went to sleep on the couch.

I was sick. Absolutely sick. I was sure this was the end. Only 3 months into marriage and we already aren’t sleeping together.

The first few months went by- we had good times and we had really bad times. The good times were mostly wrought on my us trying to compensate for all the heartache though.

The rehearsal was over, the people left and it was just Josh and I sitting on the front porch of my parents house watching the sunset go down on the last evening we would be apart. It should have been an evening of great joy and anticipation but instead we were sitting there asking each other if we should just call of the wedding.

I was sick to my stomach for weeks leading up to and after I made my decision to start dating. The thought of not dating and dating Josh seemed both equally as terrifying. One just seemed a little less lonely. I had no peace in life about anything. No peace with God. I was gradually getting more and more ill. More hormone problems… no cycles… constant hunger and fatigue… depression…weight gain.